Stop Trying to Assimilate People
Years ago when my wife and I were starry-eyed newlyweds, we accepted an offer to tour a time-share vacation option. We had no money. We had no interest in a time share. But we did have a little time. How tough could it be to sit through a little presentation in return for one of several “great” gifts?
The presenter droned on and on. We began to realize we didn’t have that much time. Finally his spiel was over. We were ready to decline the offer and claim our prize. But no. Not so fast.
We naively waited our turn to sit at a folding table with sales guy number 37. He, too, had a spiel. And lots of paper. Our eyes glazed over, and our ears ached from his jabber. Finally came the yes-or-no question. We were ready. “No,” we said.
He wasn’t ready. Not for that answer. He pressed. He spun. When he realized he couldn’t persuade us, he asked us to wait while he called his manager over to sign off on our form. The manager was the initial spielmeister who had given the earlier impassioned sales pitch.
His pressure tactics were the same as our salesman’s, but he was even more determined. When he finally relented, the two cutthroats sneered and sighed and pointed us to the prize center. The three-piece nylon “luggage” set did nothing to lift our spirits. We grabbed the burgundy wannabe bags and ran to the car.
We weren’t buying. Not today. Not ever.
We would not be assimilated.
Have you experienced that kind of pressure? On a car lot? At your own front door with a door-to-door salesman? At church?
Whether the push and shove to “buy-in” is in a car dealership, a time-share meeting room, or the local church, people want to be treated with respect. We want interaction with other human beings who acknowledge that we are thinking adults with the ability to say yes or no based on our desires and needs. We feel disrespected, even insulted, when we are coerced.
No self-respecting adult wants to be parented. Even at church. Perhaps especially at church. When our program-driven agenda becomes more important than meeting people where they are, we risk sounding like the nagging parent: “You need to do this.” “Stop doing that.” “Complete this now.” “Are you finished yet?” “Get on our pathway.”
Here’s the bottom line: No one new to your church wants to be assimilated.
When you try to assimilate people, there are damaging risks. Assimilation efforts may…
prevent them from exploring, asking their hard questions, and actually engaging in their journey.
create lots of programs that put a spotlight on the church’s success in “involving” people.
cultivate a culture of “right” beliefs, rather than true belonging - accepting people where they are.
present steps that feel coercive and come off as exclusive.
structure a self-preservering, inward-focused organization.
set an agenda more focused on projects than people.
lead people to connection with the institution rather than with people and with God.
So stop the assimilation efforts. Lose the word from your job title and other church vocabulary.
Love people. Build relationships with people. Care for people. Respect people. Embrace people. Invite people.
But don’t try to assimilate them. Ever.
